name here

okay so i know i like boys..obviously. and i know that having a boyfriend sounds fun and good to me. but i don’t understand why im 16 fucking years old and i still have never even had one of those stupid 2 week long boyfriends. i don’t think the problem is that i can’t get one, i just can’t get myself to like anyone much longer than a few weeks, and that’s only been at camp! as soon as they like me back i ditch and move on. i get freaked out and annoyed at whatever he says to me. it sucks!! i dont know if its like commitment issues or what but i am really starting to get frustrated with myself and where i am in my life. i wish i could find some cute, nice, funny guy that i feel comfortable around and that i like enough to be engrossed in one of those nauseatingly cute relationships i’ve seen all my friends be in! it just sucks…i dont know where to go from here

miami is in 69 days woooooo omg i literally cannot wait!!! it is going to be so much fun and i can’t wait to be with all of my best friends for those few days partyin it up!! i’m a little worried about how it’s all gonna work out only because i feel like i’ve been like unintentionally leading on alex and josh and twigy and lance..and then there’s will who i wouldnt mind hooking up with again. and then there’s the whole jordan thing. and then there’s joey and idk if he’s still dating that girl but if hes not then i can’t imagine nothing happening between us. i’m soooo curious to see how it’ll all work out! the drama will probably only make it more exciting/fun!

It’s crazy how quickly and drastically things can change within relationships, feelings, and attitudes. How one can go from being so giving and respectful, to so bitter and uninterested. People can be so relentlessly ignorant about how friendships work and how they are supposed to function in a healthy way. People lose sight of the important aspects of freindships and gain a new self righteousness that its undeniably stubborn and ridiculously naive. This has become more and more prominent in my life and I am becoming increasingly less confident in my ability to continue the previous workings of such relationships in the way they used to work (when they were fully-functioning). I guess this is part of coming-of-age and is something I will have to learn to understand as part of life. Things change, people grow apart, and friendships aren’t always as sturdy as one would hope. 

“It’s so lonely when you don’t even know yourself.”

-Red Hot Chili Peppers

i am so grateful for the friendships i have. they are the most amazing people i know and after pretty much anything i know we’ll always stay friends. people always say that junior year is when friendships get screwed up and people change and drift. i’m really happy that even though we got pretty close to that we didn’t let it happen.